SAL SALASIN’S BLUES IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH
by Sal Salasin

I.
“Hello,” she lied.
She was dressed in black with
enough piercing to swing a compass needle
at five paces, some
real Mexican prison tatoos
and a voracious appetite for an astonishing variety of
extremely dangerous drugs.
“Hello,” I said.
“I’m into natural highs like hiking and paint thinner.
What about you?”
It’s like when you turn on the box at three AM
and the offscreen boyfriend turns out to be
George Sanders and you say,
Oh boy, THIS isn’t going to go well.
 
I fear she will fashion my skull
into a decorative fruit bowl.
 
But everything’s changed since 7/11.
 
I was hanging out in Osama’s Home Abortion Porn and
Jizzorama with
My girlfriend, Blanche Davidian,
Miss Conduct of 1985.
Did anyone question my freshness?
Surprisingly, no. I was like a
poodle on linoleum I was so nervous.
 
“Gee,” I said.
“You’re the prettiest girl that’s ever talked to me,
you know?”
Later she died of a broken heart.
Or rabies.
Love hurts but
you usually have to pay more.
“I’ll miss you at first,” I said.
 
I was abandoned by wolves and raised by Republicans, no,
I was abandoned by wives and raised by Republicans,
and both my parole officer and court appointed psychiatrist
will attest to my character.
Somewhere, even as we speak,
Donald Rumsfeld is planning the invasion of Bolivia.
People come to watch.
They sell popcorn.
It’s a carnival of ugly.
Stay tuned there’s
more crap to come.
 
 
II
Raised by the RNC, sent out to wreak havoc on the world.
She was a lovely girl who capered with the stars and spawned in the sea.
That was back in my deformative years.
 
I hate it when the French press accuses me of doping,
don’t you?
I have some rock cocaine but I’m saving it for a special occasion.
Otherwise I stink like a whorehouse at low tide.
Want to come over?
What time is it?
If it’s this early I must have a court date.
I’d better wear a shirt.
It was then I decided to drink a lot
directly from bottles.
 
Re: The Fifteen-Hour Bus Ride from Gaudalajara to Nuevo Larado,
Three Days in Larado, and the Fifteen-Hour Ride Back.
I can’t figure out if Stephen Segal made three movies and
they showed them twenty times,
or if he made sixty movies and
they showed them all once.
Bad coffee both sides of the border.
Quotations from People We May Not Want to Get Involved With:
“Brad says you ast him to kill your husband.”
 
III
I don’t know where they get this “nasty loner” stuff
dozens of folks
email me daily on the most intimate questions
of penis size and
cheap generic pharmaceuticals from China.
How the fuck do They know?
Who Talked?
That was back when I worked for
the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Well, I didn’t exactly WORK for them.
 
Nasty loner huh?
I oughta kill all of ‘em.
 
It’s going to get worse
before it get’s worse.
That’s what they told me.
Three things I know are real:
Love, Money, and Prison.
And there’s no place I think
I’d rather not have been,
actually.
 
I had just joined
Media Matters Open Forum for
Islamofascist Homosexual Conspiracies to
Take Out Talk Radio
when I heard Stephanie Miller
imitating Dennis Hastert
eating a sarsage.
Not pretty, I said.
Oh I’m sorry Sting TOLD me to stop dropping names.
And look! My kidneys are working!
 
I was sitting in my chair
playing with my winkie-woo and thinking
I didn’t go anyplace, or do anything,
in Rutherford, New Jersey.
That’s a crazy-ism, man.
I have so lost the will to live, and,
New Jersey so gives me the creeps.


I.
Darlin’,
You are my own true girl and
i don’t care how many
skanky lesbians feel you up in public
after two beers.
Memo to Karl Rove:
Subject: Possible Republican Talking Points
“Black blogger dingoes will eat your baby.”
Ask yourself,
“Who would Jesus Detain?”
 
I was tea room cruising with
all my usual brio at
the Minneapolis Airport one day,
screwed down tighter than a
tick’s butt to a wooden table while
running a popularity rating somewhat below diphtheria.
Did I mention I’ve been certified drug free by
the State of Florida?
I have this little agreement with
the District Attorney of West Palm Beach.
I understsnd Donald Trump is going
to “save” Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears.
That is so nice of him.
I have so lost the will to live.
They will say of him
“He was cleaning his knife
when it went off,”
ya know?
 
SPANISH TRANSLATION
 
Cariño, tu eres
mi nena propia y
no me importa cuantas
buenas putas lesbianas
te dedian en publico despues
de dos cervesas.
 
Nota á Karl Rove:
Sujeto: Puntos Republicanos para Hablar
"Los negros blogger dingoes van a comerse a tus bé bes."
Tu te debes que pregunatar,
"Á quien detendria Jesus?"
 
Yo estaba haciendo crucero en los
saló nes de té
con todo de mi brí o acostombrado
por el Aeropuerto de Minneapolis un dia,
me atornillé mas tenzo que
una garrapata á una mesa de madera,
cuando apenas estaba teniendo
un nivel de popularidad no tan grande como
el de la diphteria.
Mencioné que yo soy certificado
libre de drógas de el Estado de Florida?
Yo tengo un pequeño acuerdo con el
Fiscal de Palm Beach Oest.
 
Escuché que el Donald Trump va
a "salvar" a Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan y
Britney Spears.
El es tan amable, no?
Yo perdi mi gran la voluntad para vivir.
Ellos van a decir que el
"Estaba lavando su cuchillo quando
se disparó por accidente,"
tu sabes?
 
Notas
haciendo crucero en los saló nes de té : (El Ingles Comun de los EU) Buscar un compañero por sexo anonimo en un baño publico.
Karl Rove: Premer consejero politico de George Bush. Propusó que una guerra en Iraq seria un idea buena por que ellos podrian usar la guerra para obtener aprovechar se ante el Partido Democratica por los media-terma eleciones de 2004.
Á quien detendria Jesus? Muchos evangelicos cristianos se ponen pulseras que dicen "Que haria Jesus?"
Donald Trump: Un rico vulgar famoso y perralta por la publicidad. Esta en toda los periodicos vulgaras cada semana. Tiene una parte grande de Atlantic City en los EU.
Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan y Britney Spears: Tres putas con recientes problemas con el ley.
 
 
 
II  
I outlived J. Edgar Hoover. I haven’t been able to piss
on his grave yet but I’m still young.
I outlived Stalin. I outlived Hitler, Goering and Goebles although
actually I never spent any time on earth contemporaneously
with either.
I certainly outlived Eichman.
I outlived both Nixon and Agnew.
I outlived Ulbrecht, in fact,
I outlived the Berlin Wall and the Soviet Union
which surprised me a lot. It looks like I’ll outlive
Castro, not that he’s in the same league,
and I certainly hope to outlive both Cheney and Rumsfeld.
It’s a pretty certain bet
someone’s gonna poison those two.
I’ve outlived Dean Vice and Edward Levy from
school days and I’d piss on their graves but they’re
probably buried in a gated cemetery to keep people
from pissing on their graves.
I’m pretty sure I’ll outlive Nina Zivancevic, given her habits.
I hope to outlive Pat Roberts and
I may already have outlived Oral Roberts,
Jimmy Swaggert and Tammy Fay Baker,
not that Tammy Fay is in the same category.
I would love to outlive Dennis Miller, he’s
younger than I am I think.
I outlived the gipper. He went senile a
long time before he died and if he hadn’t been surrounded by
security I probably
could have pissed on him while he was alive.
You could piss on a live Dick Morris but he’d probably enjoy it.
He’d say it was a sign of weakness in the Clinton campaign.
Ditto Clarence Thomas.
Scalia, I hope to outlive.
Ditto Torture Boy Gonzales.
I outlived Ashcroft,
who turned out not to be a complete traitor and tool in the end.
I don’t want to outlive Limbaugh, Hannity, O’Reily, Ingraham
Or Atwater so much as personally and slowly
inflict unspeakable tortures
upon them wherein we play a drinking game of
“Let’s listen to your broadcast and
cut off a digit or limb every time you tell a lie,”
although I understand I may have already inadvertently outlived Atwater.
I have no idea if Ann Coulter is alive or what.
She DOES have an adam’s apple.
I have no idea if Georgie-Boy is sleeping with
Condoliza Rice or not either.
Five of the nine major Republican candidates for nomination
said they didn’t believe in evolution
and remained viable candidates.
I’d think a lot about that if I were you.
It’s one step from
“I don’t believe in evolution” to
“Let’s kill the Jews” and it isn’t a real big one.
 
SPANISH TRANSLATION
 
Yo sobreviví á J. Edgar Hoover.
Ya todavia no he pedido ir á mear sobre su tumba pero
yo todavia estoy joven.
Yo sobreviví á Stalin.
Yo sobreviví á Hitler, Goering y Goebles pero
en verdad en este tiempo sobre la tierra no estuvé
en el mismo punto y tiempo con ellos.
Por supuesto sobreviví á Eichman.
Tambien sobreviví al Muro de Berlin y la Union Sovietica que
me sorprendio mucho!
Me parecé que voy á sobrevivir á Señor Castro pero
el Señor Castro no esta en esa liga.
Y por supuesto yo espero que sobreviva á los Señors Cheney y Rumsfeld, los dos.
Es una apuesta seguro que alguien va a envenenar á esos dos tipos.
Sobreviví el Rector Vice y el presidente Edward Levy en
mis dias en la universidad y
yo mearia sobre sus tombas pero
ellos probablemente estan enterrandos en un cemetario con puertas y
muros grandes para impedir a las gentes que
quieren mear sobre sus tombas.
Yo estoy mas o menos seguro que voy á sobrevivir á Nina Zivancevic,
dado a sus habitos.
Yo sobreviví á "el gipper." El fue senil mucho tiempo antes de que muriera y
si el no hubiese tenido tantos guaruras
yo hubiera pedido a mear le quando el todavia estaba vivo.
Tu puedas mear en Dick Morris pero yo creo que
el lo hubiese disfrutado.
El dirá que "Es una señal de los debilidades de la compaña de la Señora Clinton."
Lo mismo á Clarence Thomas.
Scalia, de esto espero que yo voy á sobrevivir.
Lo mismo á el Chavo Tortura Gonzales.
Yo sobreviví á Ashcroft, quien al final
el no fue un traidor y herramienta complete de las empresas.
Yo no quiero sobrevivir á los Señores Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly y
a la Señora Ingraham.
No! Por que á ellos yo los quiero torturar larga y personalmente con
torturas indeciables. Deseo jugar un juego que se llama....
"Vamos nosotros á escuchar sus programas del radio y televicion
y cada vez que escuchemos una mentira vamos nosotros á cortar
uno de sus dedos o miembros. OK?"
Y yo no se si Ann Coulter esta viviendo o no. Seria deficil decidirlo.
Pero esta claro que ella se carga una manzana de adán.
Y yo no se si Chavo Bush se esta acostando con Condoliza Rice o no, tampoco lo no se.
Cinco de los nueve candidatos Republicanos por la eleccion de el presidente
dijeron que no creen en la evolucion y ellos continuan como
unos candidatos viables.
Si yo fuera tu, yo estaria pensando mucho sobre eso.
Es un paso solamente de el dicho
"Yo no creo en la evolucion" y el dicho
"Vamanos á matar á todos los Judios" y
para esto, no hay un paso tan grande.
 
 
Apuntes
J. Edgar Hoover: Transvestite homosexual fundador del FBI y persigé otros homosexuales. Racista, reacionario, socio del Partido Republicano.
Stalin: Leder de SU, 1927-56. Asasino de miliones.
Hitler, Goering y Goebles: Nazies Allamand del Segundo Guerra Mondial
Adolf Eichman: Arquitecto del holocausto contra los Judios del Segundo Guerra Mondial
Fidel Castro: Leder de Cuba
Cheney y Rumsfeld: Vice Presidente de los EU y ex-Secretario de Defenso. Archetectos de las guerras en Iraq y planes por las proximas guerras en Iran y Syria. Antes, ejecutivos de la industria petrolera.
Rector Vice y Presidente Edward Levy: de la Universidad de Chicago durante la guerra en Vietnam.
Nina Zivancevic: Yugoslav poeta y ex-novia.
"el gipper": Ronald Reagan, ex-Presidente del EU.
Dick Morris: especialista politica para el Partido Republicano en los EU.
Señ ora Clinton: Esposa de ex-Presidente Bill Clinton y ahora la senadora de el estado de Nueva York por el Partido Democratica.
Clarence Thomas: Juez de el Tribunal Supremo de los EU. Socio del Partido Republicano
(Antonio) Scalia: Juez de el Tribunal Supremo de los EU. Socio del Partido Republicano
(Alberto) Tortura Chavo Gonzales: Abogado de Presidente Bush. Aprobé el usado de tortura, quité muchos derechos civiles de los ciudadanos de los EU. Socio del Partido Republicano
Ashcroft: ex-abogado a President Bush.
Limbaugh, Hannity, O'Reilly, Ingraham: Populares Nazis comentaristas por radio y televisor en los EU. Socios del Partido Republicano.
Ann Coulter: Comico reacionario. Nazi socio del Partido Republicano.
Chavo George (Bush): Presidente de los EU.
Condoliza Rice: Secretario del Estado de los EU. Novia de George Bush, Presidente.