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tearing the rag off the bush again
Etiquette: A Beginner's Guide to Threesomes PDF E-mail

Public speaking instructors invariably recommend visualizing your audience as naked to relieve the stress of giving your speech. This is in contrast to a very typical characterization of public humiliation: that you are standing in front of a bunch of people and none of them are naked except you. Well, I say compromise—everybody ought to be naked. Of course, that’s a lot easier said than done. If you think it’s difficult to carry on a conversation at a bar with two attractive people at once, imagine sealing the deal and having nothing to say when you get them into the bedroom. For all this use of nakedness as a device in communication studies, I am appalled that there has been no reciprocal use of communication as a device in nakedness studies.

If you are struggling to figure out how many ways there are for three bodies to interlock, that’s not in this essay—use your imagination or go buy some porno mags. I’m talking about talking. Regardless of where you put it or what you see, your attempted threesome will not be successful if you keep your mouth shut. Try it. Make no mistake, however—without talking, your chances of interlocking with two other bodies are not as good.

Perhaps you are wondering how I know this. Practice, darling, lots of practice. My adventures in intercourse with two other people have misfired just as often as they have succeeded, but I assure you that reading on will enhance the possibility of making your experience a rewarding one. So let’s get to it.

First of all, when you find yourself in a situation where three of you are all attracted to each other, you may feel compelled to sprinkle on the dirty talk and enumerate your fantasies right away. Don’t do it. Shortly, all three of you will be naked together which will pretty much cap off your window for discussing any insecurities you may have, despite your excitement about the upcoming situation. Use your lead time wisely, especially if you are in a relationship with one of the other two people. There will be boundary issues and attention issues to consider. Are the two of you just interested in physically spoiling this third party? Will your significant other feel hurt or neglected if you perform a certain sex act with this third party? Is there anything in particular that you’re not willing to try? Usually, everybody has something to contribute to the drawing of lines portion of the show. People normally worry that they’ll end up feeling left out or that the connection between the other two is just stronger. They are also afraid of repeating previous awful threesome experiences or they are uncertain about what the other two peoples’ motives are. Sometimes people need to establish safe-words for calling the whole thing off, or taking it down a notch. Talk out everyone’s concerns before you get the show on the road. Of course, it goes without saying that there should always be a discussion of contraception. Does everyone have a clean bill of health? Is she on the pill? Can he hold an erection with a condom on? Does anyone have latex allergies?

I know that this sounds like a real buzz kill, but the reward is that once you are finished, you get to stop talking about what you don’t want and start talking about what you do want. The verbal foreplay makes a great ice breaker, as well as smoothes over the fears and concerns the three of you were just discussing. Is there a sexual act you’ve never performed before, but you’ve always wanted to try? Something your significant other doesn’t like to do with you, but you sort of miss doing? A particular fantasy which involves three people, or which specifically calls for one of the people you’re about to be with? Get it off your chest now, before you get in each other’s pants, so all three of you can see what the other two people would like to see on the agenda for the evening.

Now for the juicy part: what to say when you’re getting your groove on. There are a couple of good tactics to keep in mind. One: be complimentary. If something feels good, say so! “You’re a great kisser” may sound lame in your head, but it can be completely reassuring for a new partner when whispered in heat of the moment. Two: use names. Saying the names of the two people you’re with will make them feel like you are paying attention to something more than their bodies. Three: give honest input. If your knees are starting to hurt, stop trying to act like a rock star and suggest that the three of you alter your positions. They aren’t mind readers and they can’t be accommodating if they don’t know where you’d like them to be. Last, and probably most important: be funny. Laughter is the best medicine for everything, including experimental sexual behavior. I’m not saying you should start telling jokes, but do try to lighten the mood to let the other two people know that you’re having a good time emotionally as well as physically. “I dunno whose finger that is, but it feels great” may be all it takes to be sure the three of you are on the same casual page.

Now for the wrap-up. Dealing with the awkwardness of that morning-after silence is much harder when you have to face two people instead of just one. Hopefully, the conversation about insecurities you had before you all slept together took care of the majority of issues that ignorant people put off until after, or even worse, are just quietly upset about and never discuss at all. There are really only two things left for you to do. Firstly, you should talk over the highlights and bummers of the experience. If you had an unbelievably great time, say so. If there were moments where one thing or another made you nervous, say that, too. Secondly, establish what happens next. Was the evening worthwhile enough to bear repeating sometime in the future? Are you all comfortable with divulging names or sharing the details of your experience with people who weren’t there? Loose ends are bound to pop up after any kind of sex—try to tie them up as soon as you find them (but don’t forget to untie them before you leave).

 
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