|Dear Mr. Lawyer,
Yesterday, I wrote to you with regard to Professor X’s posting of my private e-mail correspondence with him on the outside of his office door. When I first learned of this incident, I experienced a strange mixture of amusement and harassment: amused because it seemed silly, but harassed because students were dropping by my office and distracting me with their own observations with regard to Professor X’s maturity. While I attempted to assure several of them that, to my knowledge, Professor X is both an adult and a professional professor, they still seemed to think this particular behavior was somehow “childish,” “unprofessional,” and even “petty.”
Later, however, I began to reflect upon the occasionally phallic nature of Professor X’s language and it occurred to me that the problem might go deeper than I originally thought. For instance, in one of his e-mails to the faculty-at-large, he discussed his desire to watch Saddam Hussein “eat” and “swallow” missiles. Plus he uses little carets between letters, as in “GOD>BLESS>THE>U>S>A.”
As a result of this observation, plus the fact that he appears to be obsessed with me, I decided to consult a psychologist friend of mine to get his take on the matter. Here is what Dr. Nick Rofillia, a professor emeritus of Higher Psychology at Pulaski Technical University, had to say:
“My friend, by placing your e-mails so prominently on his door, this man is holding you in place. Symbolically, when he grabs his ‘doorknob’ and ‘pushes in,’ he is bringing you into his office, into his ‘private area,’ if you will. His door has become a manifestation of his homoerotic longings.”
Personally, I find this a bit far-fetched, but then I am not a Freudian expert like Dr. Rofillia. And let me further say that I respect and support the rights of homosexuals. Many of them are fighting in Iraq at this very moment, having been torn away from their significant others (who will receive no benefits should they be killed). And, on a lighter note, I was positively awed by Ronald Reagan Jr.’s recent performance at the Eukanuba National Invitational Championship dog show. His masterful pronunciation of the various dog breeds, including “Weimaraner” and “Shih-Tzu” was an inspiration for all Americans.
However, this is a workplace, and I am uncomfortable with this overt display of Professor X’s possible “attentions” toward me. And so I seek your professional counsel in this matter. Should I dress more conservatively? Should I refrain from wearing my “Who Would Jesus Bomb?” button?
Alas, I am at my wit’s end.