Welcome, and thank you for choosing the Bath and Blade Suicide Suites Hotel, the foremost name in life-termination hospitality. Established in 1999 to provide a clean and comfortable venue for chronological abbreviation in response to anxieties regarding the impending millennium and/or the frustration of millennial expectations, the BBSSH has grown from a single solar-powered location in Sedona, Arizona to more than fifty branches in North America, Western Europe and Japan, with new locations scheduled to open in Russia and Argentina.
At the BBSSH our first and last consideration is the highest level of customer service in order to create a completely satisfactory life-termination experience. It is no longer necessary to engage in an inconvenient and possibly ineffective at-home procedure that may traumatize survivors and lower property values, nor utilize a conventional hotel or motel, with discovery of remains by underpaid and unprepared housekeeping staff. The BBSSH instead offers a responsible and caring way to act on your final wish.*
While our innovative and painstakingly designed approach is not inexpensive, we are certain that you as well as your heirs, executors and assigns will find your stay an outstanding value. Every room at the BBSSH is provided with not one but two copies of Derek Humphrey's Final Exit for those who are accompanied while considering their choices. The bathrooms feature both injection and disposable razors, as well as the traditional straight razor, and the dressers are supplied with air-tight, plus-sized plastic bags and heavy-duty twist ties. The mini-bar includes, in addition to the usual selection of drinks and snacks, a selection of puddings, yogurts, and applesauces that have been proven to provide an effective and tasty medium for powdered barbiturates or morphine. (The chocolates on your pillow and the bottle of spring water on your nightstand are, of course, complimentary.) In the event that you have opted for a pharmaceutical approach but did not bring the appropriate medications, our in-house staff of physicians and pharmacists are available to offer last-minute consultations for a reasonable surcharge. (For insurance reasons, however, we regret that we cannot accommodate defenestration.)
Should you desire a more thoroughly assistive experience, you may still have time to upgrade to one our deluxe Kevorkian Suites; as in all of our suites, vacancies frequently arise, and one may have become available since you registered. These most exclusive of BBSSH facilities are equipped with all-you-care-to-breathe tanks of freshly replenished carbon monoxide, nitrous oxide and other gases at some locations. (Please check with the information desk for availability.) The Kevorkian Suites are also equipped with a full range of intravenous chemicals, including saline solution, an ample supply of sterile needles, syringes and gauze, and a fully adjustable recliner bed that will allow you to spend your final moments in either your favorite seated or recumbent/lying position. (As a courtesy to the next guest, however, we kindly ask that you keep the moisture-repellent pad on the mattress at all times.) Like the fruit basket, the chocolate chip cheesecake in the minibar (no need to worry about calories or cholesterol now) and the 1.75 liter bottle of Absolut® vodka, all inhalants and solutions in the Kevorkian Suites are complimentary. Not only will you be assuring yourself the ultimate in luxury experiences, but you will also be assisting less fortunate individuals with similar needs. A portion of the proceeds from every stay in the Kevorkian Suites is donated to the Hemlock Society in support of community outreach programs.
While the duration of your stay will of course be determined by your own needs and schedule, we would like to remind you that, whatever your choice of suite may be, a concierge is available on a twenty-four hour basis to accommodate your wishes. He or she will be able to direct you to local clergy, restaurants, taverns, gentlemen's clubs and escort services. Several of our North American locations also feature free shuttles to and from casinos operated by the Grand Croupier Indian Reservations.
As we are the first to admit,
the BBSSH experience is not for everyone. Should you at any
point/time during your stay determine that you do not wish
to exercise your life-termination option at this time, please
do not hesitate to dial 0 for the front desk or 911 for emergency
services. This is, like all local calls, is complimentary.
While according to the terms of service provided at registration,
BBSSH is held harmless and exempt from litigation as a result
of any guest's use of our facilities for their intended purposes,
we will do our utmost to honor you last-minute changes of
preference, even if your procedure has begun. All rooms and
room changes, however, are non-refundable.
Please let any of our staff know if we can in any way improve/contribute to the quality of your time with us.
Again, welcome, and enjoy your stay - long or short - at the Bath and Blade Suicide Suites Hotel.
* For death, translation to heaven, transmigration, annihilation and/or dissolution into the elements in particular or the cosmos in general. In keeping with our commitment to meet the needs of near-term decedents of every metaphysical belief system, as well as those with none, BBSSH does not make, reject or endorse any claims regarding the existence or non-existence of the soul and/or its survival, disposition or destiny following physical death/decease. Our facilities and services, however, can be tailored to accommodate every customer’s views. If there is still time, please ask the main information desk or concierge for details.