Letter Generator Poem
Ask someone who knows you well. Not your mother or best friend. Not
the bartender at Sassy's Suck Shop. Ask early. Ask personally.
Ask with clenched fists. Ask on your knees. Purse your lips. Withhold
information about your genital preference. Provide the writer with
reasons. Provide the reasons with heart, with guile, with wine. If
writing the letter yourself, balance praise with candidness, posture
with imposture. Pick wisely and discard the fluff. Maintain credibility.
Avoid redundancy. Avoid (yes, that). Don't be cute. Wit goes
only so far before it turns around and nails your bony ass to the
divan. Puppy. Cover all wounds. Waive your right to read the letter.
Read the letter while signing your waiver. Offer a sample letter:
"L," for example, "M, N, O, P." Cut to the
quick, get to the point, use examples, for example: "John Doe
is a nobody who studied with nitwits at Flubadub University and greased
his seat exceptionally well." Avoid sexually suggestive language.
Make sure it's long enough. Underscore the applicant's
aptitude, attitude, and rectitude. Don't be rude. Sign your
name. Here. Dear.
Self-Portrait Pending Approval
an unmoderated investing chatroom
is like visiting a kissing booth at a lip sore convention.
You will be armed with the fortune of misfortune,
the moisture of yams, the wisdom of the dung beetle.
A parlor of geese will grease your pride, Hotbull3657.
me, where were you when the bubble pooped
its last, when the jackals renounced meat?
Overfat in Istanbul, tending blisters? Wadding toenail
clippings into puppet heads for the festival?
Wrestling your editing machine for the final cut?
thought as much. My people are watching your people.
They see your tricks, the reversible pocket
sewn into your skull, the candy-colored comb
you call the canned ham, how you court emptiness
with an open hand, man. Don't give me that,
me, I ordered the Caesar salad" pout.
We know your kind. It's not for nothing
the Encyclopedia of Rationalizations includes
"Just Because" coupons in its index.
Everyone's screaming for a market correction,
losers, calling on the Pope
to declare Lent oversold, kicking themselves
for not re-reading Heidegger. It's not easy,
this forever nightshirt, this wading pool
by the Green Room, this defiant smirk
jelly roll turned pit stop. Stop pretending
to still care for your first love: s/he was something else
entirely, an umlaut of pursed lips.
Of, you?re too possessive. Leave me alone.
"It is NOT okay to contact this poster."