Exquisite Corpse - Issue 4
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The Hat
by Marc Ellis

   "I believe that what we don't yet know about Nothingness is necessary."

          -Letter from Rene Magritte to Andre Bosmans, September 25, 1961.

 

(Set: Two chairs, placed close together, backs touching, seats angled out at 90 degress or so apart. They are cheap, curved-back restaurant chairs, the kind that are uncomfortable to sit in but elegant to look at.)

(Characters: #1 and #2 are cast as human beings, preferably male or female, preferably children. Although, it is the playwright's view, that the situation he's trying to explore applies equally to all creatures, even insects buzzing around a lamp-post, or a Komodo dragon thundering about the jungle, except of course, that neither insects nor Komodo dragons wear hats).

 

                              #1

                    (Posing in front of non-existent mirror, as if modeling a hat.)

                         So...how do you like it?

                              #2

                    (Perhaps he or she is seated.)

                         Like what?

                              #1

                         The hat...how do you like it?

                              #2

                         You're not wearing a hat...

                              #1

                    (Resumes posing, waits a bit.)

                         So...how do you like it?

                              #2                    

                         Like what?

                              #1

                         The hat that I'm not wearing!

                              #2

                    (Annoyed.)

                         What's there to like?

                              #1

                         Humor me...This is the theatre.

                              #2

                         Oh, all right...but why a hat?

                         Why not a shirt...or a pair of pants?

                              #1

                         Well...I couldn't very well stand here in my underwear

                         and demand your opinion of my trousers, now could I?

                         And besides, a hat is much more...theoretical...

                         ...like a lady's mustache.

                    (*NOTE: For children: "Like our Mommy's mustache").

                              #2

                    (Looking him or her over)

                         Well, I don't like it...It doesn't match your outfit.

                         ...Anyway, the Hip Hop look went out years ago.

                              #1

                    (Hurt and surprised)

                         Hip Hop? But the hat I'm not wearing isn't a Hip Hop

                         hat. I wouldn't dare not wear a Hip Hop hat!

                              #2

                    (dismissively)

                         Well...You're not wearing one now....

                    (pause...)

                              #1

                         Close your eyes.

                              #2

                         Why?

                              #1

                    (one hand behind back)

                         Because I have something in my hand.

                         And I've got five dollars that says you can't guess what

                         it is.

                              #2

                         OK...But I get three clues...

                              #1

                         No...only two...

                              #2

                         ...two and a half?

                              #1

                         All right...Now Close your eyes.

                              #1

                         Clue number one: It's not necessarily bigger than a

                         bread box.           

                         Clue number two: It cannot necessarily pass

                         through the eye of a needle...

                         And Clue number two and a half: But if it did....

                              #2

                         If it did what?          

                              #1

                         That's your half-clue. Now guess.

                              #2

                         It's a rabbit...

                              #1

                         No...rabbits reside in hats...

                              #2

                    (Opens eyes)

                         OK...what is it?

                              #1

                    (Nonchalantly)

                         Oh...nothing...nothing at all...

                              #2

                         You said you had something...You lied!

                         Give me my $5.

                              #1

                         No...nothing is something...sometimes...

                              #2

                         Oh? When?

                              #1

                         When we're talking about it...

                         It's the topic of conversation!

                         Now that's something!

                              #2

                         No!

                         Nothing is not something!

                         There is no free lunch...and furthermore,

                         I don't believe in the Easter Bunny either!

                         Now give me my Five Dollars!

                         Actor in Rabbit Costume

                    (enters w/ tray of brown bag lunches and Kool-aid.)

                         Get your brown bag lunches right here...while they last.

                         Free lunches...right here...come and get 'em.

                              #1 & #2

                    (Cheerfully walk up to him, take lunch and kool-aid)

                         Actor in Rabbit Costume

                    (Looks at #1)

                         Hey...nice hat! (Exits)

                              #2

                    (Visibly impressed)

                         Whoa! I've never would've thought it...How about that?

                    (Begins unwrapping sandwich. Sits down.)

                              #1

                    (Visibly overcome with emotion...Breaks down. Begins

                    quietly crying...mysteriously.)

                              #2

                         What's wrong?

                              #1

                         it's just that...I never expected him to show up...

          

                         Oh, there was always that little hope in the back of my

                         mind, that...maybe he was out there...just maybe...

                         But the safest thing always seemed to be...to prepare

                         myself... emotionally I mean...for the day of his eventual

                         non-appearance. But if he ever did show up, I thought it

                         would be better than this!

                         A lousy brown bag lunch? No...We deserve better...

                              #2

                         What'd ya want? Colored eggs on the White House lawn?

                              #1

                         No!

                         I wanted him to put his hands on my shoulders, and

                         announce to the whole wide world:

                         "World - Here is somebody worth your attention...

                         and not only that, but he has a hat!

                         And it is a hat that you were all just too blind to see!"

                         It's the least he could've done!

                              #2

                         There we go with the stupid hat again...Will you get off

                         it?

                              #1

                         Why, if he were here right now, I'd strangle him!

                              #2

                         You'd strangle the Easter bunny?          

                    (Then w/sympathy)

                         Look, you're taking this too hard.

                         You gotta look at these things "philosophically"....

                         Ya see...He was here and now he's gone.....

                         Poof! Just like that.

                         But he left something behind didn't he?

                         So it wasn't all for naught....

                              #1

                         All for what?

                              #2

                         All for "naught". You know, for nothing...

                         for naught.

                              #1

                    (Resigned to fate, begins to unwrap sandwich)

                         No...I guess not.

                         It's something at least...

                              #2

                    (mouth full)

                         ...Something to chew on...

                              #1

                         What's that?

                              #2

                         Nothing...

Plays: http://www.fantomas.org/plays.html

Poems http://www.fantomas.org/3postcards.html

Marc Ellis Facts:

Email: ellis@nternet.com

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