by Mike Topp
Author's Links
I pissed in the kitchen sink.
I got your cat high.
I threw pizza on you in the shower.
I told your boyfriend you were cheating.
I pretended I was a mobster and said I was going to kill you.
I broke Mom's arm.
I fathered a sick monster.
I ignited one of my farts.
For encouraging your nephew to play with matches.
For reading your diary.
For rifling your purse.
For spending all my money on alcohol, drugs, and pornography.
For stealing all your ideas.
For vomiting on your sequined dress. For shooting your fish. For the Bob's Big Boy sign I kidnapped. For all the women at work I have sexually harassed. And for my cowardly persecution of the Sperm Bank's "Gallon Club." I'm really sorry ("Sorry!") for a bunch of other stuff, but I don't know how much longer I can apologize. For a complete list, email me at mike_topp@hotmail.com.
DREAM
I dreamed I split into my good and evil selves and found that without the evil part I dithered too much to command The Enterprise.
SORRY
I dropped by the library to check my email. A woman had left her account open and I tapped into one of her messages that had the subject heading "Sorry." It was from some guy who mentioned that he'd gotten back together with his girlfriend--he hoped this didn't bother the woman. The subtext I got was that he'd split temporarily with his girlfriend, had a fling with the woman whose email I was reading, and had now reunited with his girlfriend. I thought I'd be a real wiseguy. I hit Reply, and wrote, "Hey, let's have a threesome with you, me and Lydia. I mean it. It would be fun!" I felt full of myself for such shenanigans until I read another of the woman's emails, one in which a friend said it was a good idea she was getting counseling after having been raped.
WHERE WE FOUND YOU
X
THE BEST YAHOO I EVER HAD
The best yahoo I ever had was with Yahoo. We did it yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo yahoo and it lasted for yahoo. It was great and I remember it vividly.
SOLUTIONS TO LAST WEEK'S PUZZLE
b o o z e
o z
o o
z o
e z o o b
PLACES TO SPOT MEN WHO LOOK LIKE KENNY ROGERS
1. State fairs
2. Airports
3. Waffle houses
4. Cracker Barrels
5. Binion's Casino in Las Vegas
6. Gun shows
7. Sporting goods section at Kmart
8. Horse racetracks
9. Official NASCAR events
10. Renaissance fairs
11. AA Meetings
12. Etc.
MEET THE WRITER
Mike Topp made an impression from Day One. Slithering out of his uncle's womb, he turned around and bit the head off emerging twin brother Boinky. Before he was a year old, he caught the eye of the Pope, who constantly exhorted him to "Enter into me, oh tingly-wingly serpent." He traces his interest in postmarks to these years. An artificial spleen made his teen years bearable after the bank repossessed his ant farm. His amusing catchphrase, "Get the picture?" is poignant to those who know he's been married to an antique gold frame for 40 years. The picture in the frame is his.
PHOTO CAPTIONS
Uncle Fritz stepped in and gave birth at the last minute when Mike's mother went out "for a pack of smokes." Here, Fritz munches contentedly on the uterine mucosal liquid and tissue after delivery.
Mike with Julian XXVI, "The Fisting Pope."
"Plus fifty extra points for using all my letters." The future poet shows off his Scrabble skill. The young lady certainly looks interested!
It's Monday, enema day at Dry Gray Bushes retirement center, and volunteer Mike rolls up his sleeves. Mike says we can all "make a difference."
FLY
Why should a fly infuriate when you're trying to fall asleep, even if it's clicking castanets and wearing a beanie with a propeller?
BUDDHIST JOKE
Q. How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One.
TRUE ROMANCE
The only one that loves you in the entire world is a gigantic ugly crab. To prove its love it has infected the hairy parts of your body.
LITTLE VEGAN
She eats soy-based sausages in public and her neighbors think she's a meat-eater so she must be careful.
HIGHER AIMS
Sorry if you thought this would be interesting. It's not.
ELLEN
It was a hot afternoon--perfect for a swim--but I'd promised Ellen I'd meet her at the train station. About two o'clock I took my bicycle and started out. When I arrived at the train station, Ellen wasn't there. Then I realized I wasn't at the train station, but in a hut made of tongue depressors and pieces of gum. Still, where was she?
THE GIFT OF COAL
Give a lover an expensive diamond ring and they'll probably lose it in a cocktail lounge when they're getting drunk with their sexy co-worker. But give a lover a lump of coal and they can carry it around all day and squeeze it very tightly in their hand and eventually it might turn into a diamond, although it should still have a nice setting.
BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE TELLS YOU THIS
Before somebody else tells you this let me tell you something. I have been sleeping with your mother. I spend my off hours at her place watching TV and getting high. After a while we have sex in the bedroom and then return to the living room where we watch TV and get high again. Sometimes we order takeout. I do not mean you any disrespect by this. It's just a bit of fun.
NAMES
Legally, I wish to be known by this name:
Mike Topp
Emotionally, I wish to be known by this name:
Hugh G. Rekshun
Spiritually, I wish to be known by this name:
Rembrandt Q. Einstein
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BANANA SAUCE
Have sexual intercourse for 23 minutes. Then splash your partner with banana sauce.
Banana Sauce
1 piece of ice, size of an ashtray
1 banana, sliced
1 tablespoon shredded coconut
4 tablespoons sugar
Place in pan over low flame. Melt and puree.
TO DO
Get head implants for "rounder" skull shape.
CARP
My brother raised some carp in a fish pond in our back yard. One time, as a joke, my friend and I were really high and we leaned out my bedroom window and shot all the carp with a rifle. Then we threw the fish in the street and my brother ran over them in his car when he drove home. For some reason, he failed to see the humor in the situation. Hey, Randy, loosen up!
DINOSAURS
If dinosaurs were around today, they would probably be amazed at how many dinosaur movies there are, and angry that they hadn't thought of making any.
WORK
Wow, what a horrible day at work. First, we had to suck on pieces of wood. Then the vending machine was out of SOYSAGE. And finally, my wastepaper basket broke. Boy, I could use a drink. Oh, no!
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