JOHN DOE 1

Champaign IL
1977
Imprint of
nightmares
yet to come,
you were.
Valentine's Day
massacre.
Lost, sad,
mad, haunted,
drunken.
You were everything
unclean
I became.
I got your virus.
This is all
said in retrospect
because at the
time you came off
charming and
oh so
above
me.

JOHN & JANE DOE 71

Boston MA
1987
It's like this--
he's all after me,
all eyes all
suggestion
but he's with
her
so I think
oh so
honorably
no no no
I can't.
I see them
around in
the bars,
they come
to see my
rock band.
I'm the
singer.
He winks
and tells
me I'm a
star from
the constellation
Isis
and that he's
written a play
about me.
But she is
so nice
to me.
No no no
I can't.
I don't want
to hurt
anybody,
he's got the
seven year
itch.
This kind
of secret
foreplay
goes on
for about
a year.
Ok this is
going to sound
complicated but
I had to
leave town
over my
bust up with S.
I went to
the desert
for six months
and went mad,
running around
naked with
the gila monsters
and scorpions.
When I returned
I was still half
mad and not
looking so good..
Something
snapped
inside
me.
(Banging
another
girl's boy
had been a
cardinal sin
in my patchy
list of ethics
but after
loosing my
mind in the
desert
the cardinal
flew away.)
I ran into him
on the street
soon after
I got back
to town and
I didn't care
anymore
about ethics
only
dick.
He looked
at me
like I
had been
in a car
wreck.
I scared him
because
my soul
was
disfigured.
He put me
off.
Finally,
he invited
me to a cast
party for
a play he
was directing
and said
"sure baby,
I still want
to." He
looked
nervous.
Everything
had changed.
This pissed me off.
I mean he's
banging
other girls
behind
his girlfriend's
back and
with my
new attitude
goddamn it
I was going
to get some
too.
So I attend
the cast party
and sit on
a couch and
drink. He
avoided me.
As he
passed by
once I
drunkenly
asked
loudly
"when?"
Startled, he
answered,
"soon."
She saw
and heard us.
She walks up
to me,
I'm thinking
uh oh
here it comes
we've been
found out.
I wince as
she bends
her face
down to me.
She smashes
into me
with her
body and
kisses me.
I'm so
surprised
I kiss back.
We start
making out
in front of
all his friends
and his actors
at the cast
party.
Here is
this nice
girl whom
I've been
feeling guilty
about
coveting
her boyfriend
and she's
slipping me
the tongue.
Later after
all the actors
leave
the passion
play begins.
He's on me
she's on me.
he she me
we.

Well just as
I suspected
it all went
to shit.
He freaked out
and wouldn't
talk to me
anymore.
I have no idea
whatever
happened to
the play
he wrote
about me.
She moved
out on him
and we
carried on
for a few
months but it
terminated
after she
moved in
with another
guy named
John.
 
JOHN DOE 106

Boston MA
1986
You reminded
me of
that sexy
ex-con
bank robber
cum
rodeo pro
played by
Scott Glenn
in that
horrible
John Travolta
Debra Winger
movie.
Baby I got
wet when
he flung
Debra Winger
around the
old trailer,
and like the
time she
came home
with
groceries
and he was
sitting
on the bed
bare chested
smiling
smugly
"you're
home early
aren't you?"
and he opens
the closet
door to
reveal
some
cocktail
waitress
he had been
banging
all afternoon
hiding
there.
As the
cocktail
waitress
runs out
past
Winger,
He gives
her that
innocent
shrug
"Baby, you
should know
a man like
me can't
stay
faithful."
or something
like that
and he's so
sexy and
dirty and
lean & nasty
and he
beats up
John Travolta
in a parking lot
and god you got
me so
fucking
high like
watching
Scott Glenn
in that
stupid movie.
You kinky
sonovabitch
you had
me wondering
what would
happen
next.
I was walking
on pins &
needles
and
loving
it.
Like the time
you brought
home this
sex toy kit
and attached
french tickler
dildos
on either
end
of the
vibrator
then
stuck
one end
up my
pussy and
the other
end up
your ass
and it was
so absurd
and hilarious
and oh so
intense
and
crazy good.
One time
you took
me to
your
fiancee's
apartment
(oh did I
forget to
mention
you had
a finacee?)
and acted
like it was
no big deal
that you
should
show up
at her
place
while she
was away
with another
girl to
her puzzled
roommate's
amazement.
And we went
into her room
and closed
the door
and you
asked me
to put on
her red
satin negligee
and I
finally
told you
to fuck
off.
God, what
an asshole
you were
and no doubt
still are,
but what
great
sex.

 
JOHN DOE 158

New Orleans LA
1996
We're good & drunk
walking
arm in arm
with a
newly purchased
bottle of
Avia
swinging
in your
other hand
heading for
my street.
People are staring.
Good.
It's good to
be alive
and
stink like gods.
Baby, you're
so goddamn
good-looking and
I have the
reddest lips
on Decatur Street
tonight.

JOHN DOE 171

New Orleans LA
1996
Your family
was rich but
they cut you off
for quitting
school
and I
collected
foodstamps
(we're
both
unemployable)
and somehow
I managed
to take
care of us
pulling
coins from
under my
fingernails.
I guess
I loved you
and I guess
I know
why people
jump off
bridges.

The point is
I would
do it all
over again
insane as
that sounds
despite
the
double-cross.

Men don't
give me
the time
of the day
lately
and I'm
still broke,
even more
broke if
that's
possible.
It's a
dark
night
and your
smell
on my
sheets
is long
long
gone.

JOHN DOE 175

New Orleans LA
1998
I was
drinking at
Molly's
with C,
an old rival
and now
a best friend.
You
played us
against each
other
until we
got wise
and now
we drink
together
and laugh
at your
expense.
She was
one of
the good
things to
come out of
you & me.
So she
says on
this
particular
night,
"Guess who
called me
today."
And I
reply
"Oh yeh,
he called
a couple
days ago."
We laughed
at your
suffering
for living
at home again
in Boston,
how lonely
you felt,
how you
missed
New Orleans
and us.
Really, it
wasn't out
of meanness
that we
laughed
as out of
enjoying a
dog comically
chasing
its tail.
It eases
the pain
of loss.
Because
we both
know
you'll be
chasing
some other
girl's
tail
soon
enough.

JOHN DOE 180

New Orleans LA
1998
We ran
into each
other at
the Abbey.
Long time
no see,
auld lang
syne.
You were
still working
on your
G.E.D.,
still dreaming
of racing school
or acting
and I was
still working
on a novella
about a
sorry
sorry
mistake
I made a
few years
back.
We drank
then took
our drinks
to the
Gov Nicholls
wharf and
made out
on the
bank
to the
sounds
of the
boats on
the river.
It began
to rain but
we kept
up our
pace of
kissing,
rolling
in the
weeds.
Finally
we walked
back to
Decatur
Street
in a
torrential
down pour
covered
with
grass &
leaves
and we
strutted
back into
the Abbey
looking
like Neptune
and his
mermaid,
and
drank
more.
You gave
me a
ride home
in the
black
muscle car
you
rebuilt
and
as I
reached
for the
handle
you
said
sweetly,
"Don't you
leave now,
please stay."
I got
out of
the car
and
slammed
the door.
I walked
the few
yards
down the
street
to my
gate.
"Don't you
leave now,
please
stay."
Your tires
squealed
away as
I opened
the gate
and walked
inside into
the alley
between
my building
and another.
"Don't you
leave now,
please stay."
I closed
and locked
the gate
behind
me and
stood
in the
dark.

JOHN DOE 183

Athens GA
1998
Young beautiful
drummer boy.
We're sitting
next to each
other at a party
where the
host keeps
ssssh-ing
"It's 3 AM for
chrissakes"
I roll my eyes
leaning into the boy
and comment
"Did you ever
want to run away
to the circus?"
He grins and
takes my hand.
We escape
to the
bushes
and kiss.
It's a quiet
quiet street
on a Saturday
night in Athens
Georgia and
I wonder what
graves these
people
live
to be so
quiet on a Saturday
night.
I think this as
I kiss this
boy over
and over, moaning loudly.
Later, I went back
to my temporary
accomodations
and he went
home to
his baby's
mother.

JOHN DOE 227

New York City
1999
"Hemingway
never smoked
cigarettes,"
you slurred
lighting our
Winstons.
"Yeh, he
thought
it killed your
sense of smell
and you need
that for the
big hunt."
I smiled and
blew smoke
into your
face.
That may be
true about
Hemingway
but by
your hand
sliding up
my leg,
I'm certain
you can
smell
my pussy
in this
smoke-filled
bar.