listen round my fallow friends cuz I'm about to give it good:
There once was the Mayor of Windows. Well, he wasn't always known
as the Mayor of Windows, as we soon shall see . . . now, this mayor
was in charge of a beautiful city that was so pretty it was nicknamed
after a green diamond. The story goes like this: near the end of
a patricular section of their time measurement system, the people
of this city decided to invite a little organization known as the
World Corporate Empire to come to town and kick off their heels
whilst nixin' n' mixin'. "Oh, boy!" cried the WCE, "Let's
"Hurray!" whooped the city, "We just hit the jackpot!"
It was going to be a wonderful celebration . . . of shopping! All
the stores cleaned and poilshed their windows and boy, did they
twinkle in the moonlight!
But some special interest wackos,
namely the Clean Air and Water radicals, the Anti-Slavery zealots
and the Human Rights extremists decided to crash the party, mainly
because they were wicked. They were jealous of the powerful men
and couldn't stand being so dirty and wearing hand me down clothing
all the time and not being able to afford to eat meat--
Here the robotic storyteller was interrupted
by an attentive young listener, "But, Storyteller #133,"
the young girl cried. "If they didn't eat the carcasses of
dead cows, then how could these wackos stand up?"
The storyteller just smiled and wriggled
her cute little nose.
Good question, Alissa.--they couldn't!
So they just lied around on the streets outside the buildings where
the important men were having their meetings and moaned and ninnied
and whined. This made it all the easier for the policemen who worked
for the very important men to beat these lazy welfare-wanters up.
At first they just gave them a little tear gas just sort of to test
their new equipment. And then they had to wait. You see, back then,
these people who would rather just lie around on the streets in
the daytime and stop important traffic were actually allowed to
The children gasped. Well, unfortunately--but
in the end luckily--a few of them decided to break some windows.
The children gasped again--some went noticeably pale.
This turned out to be quite beneficial,
children, the Storyteller explained, because this gave the police
an excuse to beat up these nasty people and take away all their
rights! And the rights of everyone else in the city as well!
Yes, the wonderful new sparkling world
of windows that our wonderful powerful men created took quite a
loss that day, but their names will be remembered forever--for they
died so that an exciting new precedent could be set.
You see, it must be historically noted
that back then the windows did not have as much rights as the people!
The people's health actually had precedence of the windows . . .
this is partly why they call it the Dark Ages, children! But just
you wait, because the Revenge of the Windows is on it's way, but
first I have a very important announcement to share with you! .
And that is that this very important
historical lesson has been brought to you by the very good people
at TimnerExxoSanto. TimnerExxoSanto: Making The Universe Safe For
Children To Play. For eons now, TimnerExxoSanto has been fulfilling
the dreams once espoused by unrealistic depression-era heroes like
the Buddha and Jesus and Mohammed--but taking them one step farther--to
the stratosphere and beyond! Remember, we need more children like
you to go to our faraway planets and help with our very important
Universal Wellness Machine! Also remember: that only the strongest
and smartest of you will be invited to come aboard on our amazing
new voyage, so use our products hourly! You know what they are!
They include everything with our name on it! Why just look around
you! It's all around you now! TimnerExxoSanto Corp: Because A Hotter
Sun Warms More Planets. TimnerExxSanto Corp: We Give You Life. TimnerExxoSanto
Corp: Isn't life and learning exciting?!
Now back to our story: so when the
mayor of the beautiful city nicknamed after the green diamond heard
about his beautiful new windows getting broken, he immediately stood
up and cried with fist balled to the sky: "Let My windows go!"
He then put down his glass of red wine and flew straight in from
the South of France. The order was given and the policemen went
to work: They used tear gas and pepper spray at point-blank range;
they caused permanent cornea damage and broke jaws; they kicked
men in groins and beat people with batons from behind; they handcuffed
many and put them behind bars--and pepper-sprayed some of them (including
women) in closed cells! They bludgeoned, cursed and rubbershot protestors,
journalists, legal observers, first-aid workers and innocent bystanders--they
even pepper-sprayed wicked women who sat in their cars videotaping
the events through the windows of their vehicle!
And the Mayor laid down the law forever
after: You break windows, and we will take away your rights and
beat you sore and jail you and take away all your civil rights and
the civil rights of the entire city!
The children uniformly whooped. Outside,
the thick black smoke which choked every inch of the horizon curled
harmlessly against the foot-thick glass, allowing the children free
access to whoop.
And a monument to the Windows was
erected not soon after, to commemorate this very important event,
where flowers are laid to this day.
One boy asked: "Storyteller #13,
what happened to the Mayor of Windows?"
Well, I'm glad you asked that, Timmy!
What happened was that this Mayor became so beloved to his country
and his people that when he died the people had him stuffed and
put on display down at Ye Curiousity Shoppe on the waterfront where
he would take his rightful place next to 2 mummies and the mysterious
exoskeleton of one unidentified sea monster. . . . And to this day,
I am proud to say, dozens of people daily walk by and are often
heard to say: "Did you see the Mayor in that window?"