Airplane

If you ever jump out of a plane, and your parachute doesn't open, don't worry. Worry won't get you anywhere.
 

Personals Key
 
S          Smells
D          Drunk
F          Floozy
M         Malevolent
W         Whittles
B          Beelzebub
A          Accordion
H          Hobo
C          Carnivorous
J           Jellyfish
L           Latte
G          Gladiator
Bi          Bicorne
D&D     Dumb and dumber
ISO       I smell Oreos
NS        Nude smoker
NR        Nonreturnable
S/M      Sea monster
Yo         Yodels
LTR       Learning to read
P           Puppet

 
Rent

My landlord was bothering me about the rent. He said he was coming over. As he rang the doorbell, thousands upon thousands of black flies carrying elves flew out and settled upon him. He hit at the flies and tried to kill them, but the flies flew in great waves around him. Finally he turned and left. My landlord later told me he thought I was crazy, but then, he had some growing up to do.
 

The Odd Neighbor

Basically, there are three ways my neighbor and I are alike. The first is we both like to repeat what other people say. The second is we both like seeds a lot. The third is a beak.

 
If

If you were a space alien, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Cookbooks written in French. How the heck are you supposed to read them?
 

Personal Fashion Mistakes

1. Feather earring (1978)
2. Beret (1979)
3. Paper shirt (1981)
4. Green suede "Robin Hood" boots (1983)
5. Really skinny black belt (1985)
6. "Dress" black leather jacket (1989)
7. Stovepipe jeans (1990)
8. Flattop (1993)
9. Goatee (1997)
10. Feather earring (2000)
 

Like Sand...

Like sand in an hourglass, the loose granular material ran into the bottom
of the coffeemaker-shaped timepiece.


Jellybeans

Newborn opossums are as small and pink as jellybeans. That is what I tell myself when I eat them.


My Favorite Fable

Of all the fables, I think my favorite is the one about the boy and the wolfman.


Curious

I wonder if leprechauns believe in Santa Claus.


Scale

Don't ever get your bathroom scale mixed up with your watch, like I once did, because the afternoon can really drag.


X-ray of Peach in Dish

If you invented the x-ray machine, would your first x-ray be of a peach in a dish? I mean, what were those guys thinking?!


Soldiers' Home

I wish I had been around when they had thousands of "feathered soldiers"--the homing pigeons--in the army. That way, when somebody asked me if I knew where the old soldiers' home was, I'd say, "The old feathered soldiers' home?" It'd be fun to confuse the two all the time.


Bringing the News

I thought the old man was asleep when I reached his cabin in the woods with the letter, but it turned out that what I had taken for the old man was just a half-opened cardboard box which contained some styrofoam peanuts and a color TV.


The Tiny People

Can you imagine a race of people who aren't any taller than four and a half feet? Nobody can.


The World's Greatest Writer

I've been called the world's greatest writer. But it's not a label I agree with. I say simply: "I am the greatest. That's all I've ever tried to be."


Writing Tip

The best way to avoid wordiness in your writing is to write and write and write.


Another Writing Tip

You can say more--a lot more--by using fewer words.


E-mail

WHEN YOU WRITE E-MAIL, TRY NOT TO USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, BECAUSE THAT REALLY ANNOYS ME.


Days & Months

Did you know it was a dyslexic person who gave the seven months and twelve days their names?


Fence

When I was a boy, I used to dream about a furry monster who would grow taller and taller every night and then, just as it was about to eat me, would jump over the fence. That fence terrified me.


Greed

What exactly is greed, and where can I get more of it?


My Uncle

When I visit my uncle, he greets me with a brisk whinny and nuzzles my jacket pocket to see if I've brought him his favorite treat, a crunchy red apple. If I don't have one, he gets real mad. I don't know why he acts this way.

Boxing

Somebody was telling me how boxing matches were dangerous, but I went to one on Saturday night and didn't get hurt.


Meditation

Meditation is about more than sitting at home in a dirty diaper.


Question

Question: Does the old man symbolize the world of miracles we wish for but are unable to accept when they happen, or is he just a filthy old bum?

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