Two
Poems
by Paul McDonald |
Author's Links |
Compassionistic Conservatism (to be read aloud accompanied by an African-American choir made up of disallowed voters from Florida humming the "Yellow Shrub of Texas" while an inmate is being strapped down for a lethal injection) You know, When I was your age We went to school twelve hours a day Seven days a week And then came home To work for eighteen hours Before we went back to school We didn't sleep Sleep was for sissies We didn't get off for summer There was no such thing as summer Or any of those other candyass holidays We worked whenever we could I sold cigarettes door to door I sang the National Anthem at dogfights I scrubbed uranium for Union Carbide As part of their kindergarten internship program We didn't have Freeze-dried microwave rutabagas Made out of synthetic asparagus back then If we wanted something to eat We had to kill it first Back then everybody had a gun My mama had a gun My daddy had a gun Every God-fearing taxidermist and Amway Distributor for ninety miles Had a gun The first words I ever learned how to say Were "from my cold, dead hands" The first thing I ever put in my mouth Wasn't my mommy's tit It was the cold, shiny barrel Of a Smith & Wesson My daddy put in the crib To keep me company Back then we knew right from wrong And how to thin the herd Every one of us Attended the First Church Of the Holy Sidewinder Diamondback To make damn sure we got it right Or we got it overwith Ever since Jimmy Carter This country's been going down What with bottled water, tie-dyed skateboards And designer tattoos You kids today... Your idea of fashion Is wearing pants as big as elephant legs With your heads shaved Your face full of rivets And your underwear pulled up to your chest Your idea of a wild time Is to snort whipped cream and jack off While you watch The WWF Smackdown You haven't even had a decent war You call that Persian Gulf thing a War? For Christ's sake, It only lasted a week You should have had Vietnam to grow up with Like I did Then you'd learn some real values The Death of All We Hold Sacred I love you Jerry Springer If it weren't for you I would never know How easy it is To lead people To ugliness Instead of beauty Here in the giant Multimedia trailerpark Of transgendered lesbians Coupled with closet Nazi Dwarfs Telling their spouses They've had crabs for over three years, We endure your mammoth Sociological slice of the American Night While Ireland breaks their peace accords India explodes a nuclear bomb The President gets a blowjob That costs taxpayers 50 million dollars We grow lazy We grow bored We grow stagnant You give us what REALLY matters Watching all these shit-for-brains Relatives Ex-lovers And foot fetishists Duke it out As security slowly lumbers their way Out front To win the ratings war I'm SICK of Oprah, Sally and Rosie... Cater to my bestial nature Help me embrace my shadow Nurture my inner doggie-style militia/republican I NEED you, Jerry Springer! When I watch your show I realize why I've chosen to not be in a relationship Why I hate surprise encounters Why the thought of family gatherings Makes me break out in hives Jerry Springer You walk forty-seven miles on barbed wire You wear a cobra snake for a necktie I love you, man! You're as American As White Castles and colon cancer Your picture should be on A box of corn flakes You should be singing The national anthem At the World Wide Federation Church Of the Monster Truck and Demolition Derby I'll carry your too hot video Next to my heart Wherever I go And know There will always people Whose lives suck More than mine |
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