Letterwriting Assignment 1
Tell Somebody Something You've Always Wanted to Tell Them
Dear Karen Carpenter,
I saw you on the street yesterday. You're looking a little porky.
I need to have these little plastic animals around me because I often
The Cock is at Avenue A and 12th St. If you have trouble finding it, look
north side of 12th St. between Avenues A and B--on one of the top floors
should see a blue neon sign that reads "Anus." If you can see that sign,
Cock is nearby.
The World Famous Bob
Tonight I found out about the world famous Bob. Bob is a blond buxom "female
female impersonator" who mixes and pours a martini using her breasts.
significance of this fluid action--something I had never seen in my life--was
mountainous. For several minutes, I felt I was more than one person.
A Note on the Pronunciation
Bee: * * * * : :
? ? * * * ??
! ! 0 * * 0 ??
! 0 * ? ! # C !
"Try this religion."
"It is the biggest."
The adversary of God and lord of evil in some religions. Often depicted
plump white-bearded old man who delivers presents to good children.
The tsunami isn't going to spoil our vacation.
What Happens When You're Asleep
Two strangers drop in and have sex with you.
About Shakespeare's Life
Most of the myths about Shakespeare’s life have been disproved, and the
rest do not have a shred of evidence to support them. Yet the myths continue.
A good number of them concern the Lost Years (????-????), a period for
which no documented evidence about Shakespeare exists.
1. He found a giant performing mouse dead in its cage. Not long after
Shakespeare’s death, an obscure clergyman, Richard Davies, noted that
Shakespeare was "much given to unluckiness… [with] venison and rabbits."
2. He wrote his name in spit ("Bill") on each page. Half a century after
Shakespeare’s death, John Aubrey reported this as fact in his Brief
3. As a young man, Shakespeare and his companions set out to the neighboring
town of Piddle to compete in a drinking competition. After being soundly
defeated, Shakespeare fell asleep under a farm animal along the road.
(This beast, later known as Shakespeare’s Ass, became a tourist attraction
and was torn to bits in 1616.)
4. During the Lost Years he used feathers to write poems about laughing
5. During the Lost Years he worked as a cheese crier at Renaissance fairs.
6. During the Lost Years he was a dental technician in the office of a
prosperous country orthodontist.
7. During the Lost Years he videotaped every episode of "Baywatch."
8. He helped write Mr. Boston’s Official Bartender’s and Party Guide,
and if you look at the recipe for The Tempest and count fifty-one words
from the beginning you arrive at the word "shake." Then if you count fifty-one
words from the end (excluding the words "cocktail sausage") you arrive
at the word "spear."
9. When he arrived in London, he had his intestines taken out of his body
and made to look like flowers.
10. He was born in France and fled to England to avoid persecution at
age 24. There he changed his name from Super Nana (French for "Fabulous
Babe") to Shakespeare.
by Bobby Kelly & Mike Topp
Fountain of Youth
I was sitting on the number 7 crosstown bus when the older gentleman in
front of me began to vibrate. I knew what that meant, but before I could
get out of the way, sure enough, he exploded. Bits of flesh flew everywhere
and the blood ruined the bag of feces I was carrying (a memento of my
nephew's first communion). I looked across the aisle at a stylish twenty-something
blonde who had chunks of organ meat all over her obviously expensive dress.
"Old people!" she laughed, as she twisted her body to spray me with a
stream of warm urine.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Belle Moskowitz, a woman of a certain age, and her great-granddaughter
Emma were playing one of their usual games, "Eat Grandma," when things
went too far. "She had her mouth on my clit like a pitbull clamped onto
a drug dealer's balls," reports Belle. "I was bleeding like a virgin on
a date with Ted Bundy. I finally realized I'd have to hack her head off
with Moishe's meat cleaver to make her let go. Just as I was about to
bring the blade crashing down, Moishe screamed, "Stop, that's a fish knife!"
As per usual on a Sunday evening, I was fellating my father-in-law.
Just as I was running my tongue in little circles on the underside of
the head and had him squirming and ready to pop, my wife walked in. "Oh,
you men with your sports," she clucked, ducking to miss an arcing stream
Image by Ronnie Burk