Welcome to Castle Corporation, a wholly owned subsidiary of the entirely owned entity.

If you are using a touch tone phone, please press one. If you are using a rotary phone, hang up.

1) Thank you for calling Castle Corporation, your phone call is important to us.
 

For Fear & Trepidation - Press 1.
Loss & Confusion - Press 2.
Powerlessness & Personal Hygiene - Press 3.
Despair - Press 4.
Press 5 to return to the main Menu.
Do not press 6.

If you are using this telephone for the purposes of communication, hang up now.

This important call is currently being monitored for our own amusement and future sale to the office of the Independent Counsel. Castle Corporation reserves the right to test voice imprints for copyright infringement. Unregistered voice imprints become the property of Castle Corporation who reserve the right to use them at out world renowned genetic research laboratories.

1. Welcome to Fear. Antidotes to fear and trepidation are available to everyone complying with the registration agreements. Failure to copyright your own voice imprint will result in an automatic claim by us, and the loss of your right to use your own voice. If Castle Corporation already owns your voice pattern - Press 1. If you wish to buy back your voice - Press 2.  If you wish to change your voice - Press 3.   Do not press 6
 

1. If you currently own your voice, or lease it from Castle Corporation you may speak with one of our Customer Representatives - Press 9. If your are behind on your payments you are not allowed to speak but may hum the Castle Corporation threnody. Your voice imprint will be retrieved from our data bank.

2. If you wish to buy back your voice enter your bank account number followed by your passport and Social Securities numbers now. Do not use pound key, Do not use star key. Do not press 6

3. You want to change your voice. Castle Corporation has gender specific voices available. Male, press 1. Female, press 2. The Jack Nicholson, Robin Leach and Barbara Streisand editions are no longer available.

1. Our Tom Brokaw edition offers the male customer fascinating variations on the use of the letter 'r' which in some cases maybe construed as English.

2. For women, the Barbara Walters edition with its alluring 'w's, also includes those patented pitch reversals - questioning but not inquisitive.
 

2. Welcome to Loss & Confusion.  Do not panic. Lost and confused customers who are trying to reach Amtrak N.E. train schedules should return to the main menu. Others should enter hidden fears, obsessions, compulsions and other neurosis using the appropriate letters on the key pad, for example -

  H.Y.S.T.E.R.I.A.
  I.R.O.N.Y.
  P.O.S.T..O.F.F.I.C.E.

 Please keep the phone to your ear at all times alert for an important message from Castle Corporation, and remember the Operator button is not O. Do not press 6.

* You pressed 6. The recent Supreme Court Ruling declared 6 the wholly owned property of Castle Corporation. Your next phone bill will reflect your use of 6 at today's market rate.
 

3. Welcome to Powerlessness & Personal Hygiene. Customers whose aspirations have been thwarted by circumstances beyond their control and are suffering the concomitant skin irritations, press 9. Customers still searching for Amtrak NE Train schedules might consider Castle Corporations car leasing service. Press 8.
 

 9. Please hold for our Customer Representatives.

 All our Customer Representatives are busy right now, please listen to Castle Corporations customers humming the company's threnody. A Customer Representative will be with you shortly.
 

4. Welcome to Despair. Please listen carefully to the following list of options, and enter the appropriate codes: Low Moans - 73896  Silent Screams - 64529. Holy Terror - 66646.
Or press 9. for a Customer Representative. Do not press 6. Please note: Pent up rage and Cries In The Night are options no longer covered by Castle Corporation.

** You pressed 6. again.  Your next phone bill will reflect your use of 6 at a 15% surcharge on our normal rates. Repeated use of 6, the wholly owned property of Castle Corporation, will result in reparations thoroughly prepared by our legal department.
 

 9. Please hold for our Customer Representatives.

 All our Customer Representatives are busy, engaged with other customers. As long as there are customers calling all representatives will be engaged. To relieve congestion, hang up now. Or press 5 to return to the main menu.