Dear Friend,  allow me to take this opportunity to introduce you to the contents of my new book, "Conscious Abuse: A Relationship Handbook". With these revolutionary concepts, you can transform the troubled liasons, failed marriages and botched affairs of your past into thrilling new experiences of passion! In the first chapter, "Permission to Hurl Invective", you will learn how to snipe, bitch, cut, denigrate, frustrate and humiliate your partner without a twinge of shame. In the second chapter, "Rage is the Hidden Face of Love",  you will learn how to plumb the depths of your anger toward any and all inadequate parents, and to change that resentment into a refreshed and invigorated libido.  Chapters three through eight outline my techniques for emptying your minds of unconscious aggression, turning hostile "leakage" into constructive abuse, transforming passive-aggressive behavior into solicitous concern, and changing the withholding of sex from a nasty weapon into a powerful aphrodisiac. In the last chapter, "The Ultimate Sexual Experience", you will learn how to make that final leap, in the privacy of your hospital rooms, to deeply satisfying,  long, intimate and orgasmic sex.  I hope you read my book.  It is available at all gigantic bookstores in the Self-help, Spirituality, Psychology, Sexuality, Medical and Auto Mechanics sections.

Sincerely, Nixon Scratches, Curator of the Omygod
You're Killing Me Institute.