opens in the spacious and rustic den of the Ponderosa. Hop-Sing
sits at stage left watching "Star Trek" on TV. At center, Hoss
and Little Joe Cartwright are beating up on Tonto, the Lone Ranger's
sidekick. Tonto does not resist, and presently he goes down
after a double haymaker from Little Joe and Hoss.)
(from floor): Thanks, I needed that...
(to Tonto): Any time, good buddy. (to Little Joe)
Hey, Little Joe!
JOE: (a bit breathlessly) Hi.
picks Tonto up and heaves him over his shoulder.)
(to Tonto) Let's go get you cleaned up, big fella.
and Tonto exit. Little Joe wanders over to where Hop-Sing is
watching "Star Trek." He stands behind Hop-Sing and watches
TV for a minute too. The theme music to "Star Trek" begins,
gradually becoming the introduction to Little Joe and Hop-Sing's duet.
During the intro they converse.)
JOE: Hop-Sing, that kung pao beef dish you made tonight tasted
about like dog food.
Hop-Sing not too good at Chinese dish, Rittle Joe; Hop-Sing Okinawan.
JOE: (still watching TV) Whatever... You know, I
like the old "Star Trek" better than "The Next Generation."
"Star Trek" no good! "Star Trek Next Generation" much better.
JOE: (bristling) I said the old "Star Trek" is best!
(half assuming a kung-fu stance) Captain Picard smarter than
JOE: Watch your mouth!
Rittle Joe! Don't push it!
they square off for a fight, they sing their duet, a heated debate
over the merits of "Star Trek" versus "Star Trek: The Next Generation."
During an instrumental interlude they begin grappling, and by the
last verse are throwing punches. The song ends with no clear
winner as the two roll on the floor, struggling for advantage.
Hoss re-enters the den as the song finishes. He sees Little
Joe and Hop-Sing fighting on the floor and rushes over to the
TV, turning it off.)
Little Joe! Hop-Sing! Get up from there!
continue rolling on the floor. Hoss shakes his head and sighs,
then walks over and picks the two up and concludes their fight with
a two-armed shot to their jaws. They stand, weaving.)
That's it! No more TV on Mondays. Now Little Joe, you
shake Hop-Sing's hand there and apologize, so he won't bring his gang
JOE: (reluctantly shaking hands with Hop-Sing) No
hard feelings, you little creep.
Look who's talking. Ok, no hard feeling creep but now we have
Chinese dog food dish all week!
of a horseback rider approaching at a gallop outside)
Cartwright bursts in the front door, dirty and sweating.)
JOE: Adam! What's wrong?
(rushing across the living room) Have I ever got to pee!
That's right, we don't have a toilet out on the north 86.
JOE: And that's nearly fifteen miles away, half a day's ride.
Why Adam not just pee on ground? Nobody around; Hop-Sing pee on ground.
(indignantly) Don't let me hear you talk like that again, Hop-Sing.
I'd hate to have to tell Pa about this.
Hop-Sing tight with Mister Ben, big boy; but OK OK, Hop-Sing
enters as the intro to the Cartwright boy's trio begins.)
JOE: (speaking over musical intro) Long ride, Adam?
What a relief, brother.
Adam and Little Joe sing the trio "We'll Have Toilets on the Ponderosa,"
in which they pledge devotion to portable toilets "far out on the
range with skies so blue/ and proper dumping facilities, too.")
(Ben Cartwright enters from front door.)
(to Adam) Why aren't you out on the north 86?
Had to pee, Pa.
(proudly) Boys, we'll tame this land yet. (To Hop-Sing)
Hop-Sing, we need fifty cases of rot-gut. The Marlboro Man is
bringing his boys over for a farewell barbecue tonight; I heard
he's getting laid off, and with all that billboard seniority too.
Especially in Europe... Oh, and you better thaw out about
one point six tons of beef, too. (To his sons, as Hop-Sing
exits to the kitchen) By the way boys, I saw a stranger out behind
the jacuzzi just now.
Did you recognize him, Pa?
Pa just said he was a stranger, you dummy; if he'd recognized him
he wouldn't have called him a stranger.
Well, take this, Mr. Smarty-Pants!
swings at Adam, who ducks the punch so that instead Hoss catches Little
Joe broadside, nearly decking him. A brawl ensues between the
three brothers while Ben looks on with fatherly pride. Despite
the fisticuffs, their hats do not come off.)
That's my boys!
Joe breaks a gourd over Hoss' hat.) Fellows, I wish your
mama, whom we never mention on this show, could see you now.
She'd be proud, mighty proud. (Adam breaks a clock radio over
his own head as Hoss and Little Joe exchange body blows. Amidst
this mayhem, Ranch Hand Dudley enters in a tizzy.)
Mr. Cartwright! Mr. Cartwright! You gotta come quick;
there ain't much time!
(Looks around, irritated) You fool! I told you
never to come in this house unless it's an emergency.
(backing out the door) Sorry, Mr. Cartwright, but the calf
Boys! Hold it! (They stop fighting.) The calf is foaling!
Cartwrights look at each other, suddenly excited.)
LITTLE JOE & ADAM: (together) SEX!
Let's go, boys.
rush out the door to a lively but ominous 'Star Trek' theme.)
scene also takes place in the den of the Ponderosa. Hoss, Adam
and Little Joe are standing around the fireplace, but no fire is burning.)
(Looking at the cold fireplace) I like it better this way.
Pa told Little Joe to get that prairie dog out of the chimney two
JOE: Pipe down, big shot!
Funny that little varmint don't stink yet...but easy fellas, let's
wait on the Marlboro Man's boys to tussle. Let's us not get
all tuckered out too soon to tangle with 'em pretty nice.
JOE, HOSS & ADAM: BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!!
(shouting towards kitchen) Hop-Sing! How's that one point six
tons of beef coming along?
(sticks his head out kitchen door, answering sarcastically)
It's all dead, Hoss.
Cartwright enters in a wheelchair, pushed by Ranch Hand Dudley)
JOE: Uh-oh; Pa's senile again.
It was the whiskey that done it.
No way, dude! It was the sex.
knock comes at the door. Hop-Sing reenters the den and answers
the door. The Marlboro Man enters, followed by a dozen of his
men, all of whom wear calico shirts, gun belts with six-shooters,
and bowler hats. One of the Marlboro Man's men has pointed ears.)
(Indicating man with pointed ears.) Who's that?
MAN: (apologetically) He likes the original "Star
gives Marlboro Man a dirty look as he exits to kitchen. Dudley
wheels Ben over to Marlboro Man and they shake hands, obviously old
friends. Music begins and the two sing their duet with male
chorus, the Marlboro Men & the Cartwright Boys), "Hold a Cow Hostage;
Punch a Buncha Face." (As song ends, Pa slugs Marlboro Man in the
gut from his wheelchair, sending him reeling backwards into the arms
of his men.)
Don't you just love those old songs, Marlboro Man? Sorry to
hear you got sacked...
MAN: (recovering from punch) Why, if you weren't
wearing them wheels I'd...
interrupts, arriving with huge glasses of rotgut on a silver tray
sporting a bull's horns car hood ornament. The predictable hostility
passes and everyone takes drinks, but this in turn is interrupted
by a knock at the door. Everyone stops what they are doing and
looks towards Ben and Marlboro Man, alarmed.)
Not a clue, son. (Draws his pistol.)
JOE: (Drawing pistol and taking cover behind TV set, then shouting
towards door) Open the door slowly and come in!
Parcel Service delivery man enters, carrying Roy Rogers' famous
horse Trigger, taxidermied and transported via wheels attached
to the bottom of the hooves.)
(Suddenly in a jolly mood) Looky who's here! It's old
JOE: Hey Trigger, are you still going out with Taxidermied Flipper?
(sympathetically) Well, he never was no Mister Ed...
MAN: (rankling slightly) Look Ben, some of my boys are
kinda partial to Trigger.
(to Marlboro Man's boys) Go easy fellas. Little Joe didn't
mean any harm making fun of that four-legged stiff. Any friend
of yours is a friend of mine. Hoss! Feed Taxidermied Trigger
is another knock at the door. Everyone is alarmed again.)
I got a feeling here comes trouble, Pa.
Little Joe, you and Adam ride to Afghanistan. Tell the sheriff
to plant his gourds later in the season. And don't use so much
JOE: But Pa, what about proper fiber content in the diet?
Don't be hot-headed, Little Joe.
all this, Hop-Sing has been increasingly agitated, giving angry glances
at both Little Joe and Marlboro Man. There is a second knock at the
(sarcastically) Mr. Ben! Guess who's coming to dinner.
stands and pushes the wheelchair aside, apparently his old self again.
As Hop-Sing answers the door, the lure of food and drink
overcomes the cowboys' alarm and they begin digging in. Hop-Sing
opens the door and Tonto enters. Marlboro Man notices his entrance.)
MAN: Who's this?
This is Tonto, the Lone Ranger's sidekick.
Tonto not sidekick; Tonto big star, Fatty!
JOE: Yeah, sure. Only slightly less famous than a taxidermied
(to Little Joe) You little squirt, Tonto break you into-
Hold on, fellas; let's eat first.(To Marlboro Man) You know,
Marlboro Man, I can't believe you don't know who Tonto is. He's
been on TV and in the movies for fifty years.
MAN: (somewhat bitterly) Well, you probably never thought
about this, but you don't see much TV from a billboard.
(Music opens for Tonto's song. In the first verse, Tonto
tells the others that the stranger out by the Jacuzzi is an old woman,
and that she is coming to the house. The Cartwrights and the
Marlboro Men all look up and recoil in guarded alarm at this news.
They join in the men's chorus, expressing their terror of old ladies
with the lines, "We've all been bad boys now and then/ and it might
be our mom/ madder'n a wet hen." Only Hop-Sing does not join
in the song, slipping away into the kitchen. (The song ends and Tonto
crosses over to Ben's liquor cabinet as the others mill about uncertainly.
Tonto takes out two elegant tumblers and a bottle of green chartreuse,
then follows Hop-Sing into the kitchen, giving a kind of high-five
sign as he recrosses the room.)
(muttering) Tonto also tight with Ben Cartwright. (To Marlboro
Man) Tonto tell truth; only smoke Camels.
MAN: (distractedly) I quit two years ago.
JOE: (to Marlboro Man) Well looky here, you turncoat:
WE smoke Marlboros! (indicating his family)
Cartwrights all take out cigarettes and light up, except for Ben,
who fumbles in his pockets.)
Say, can I bum a smoke from one of you boys?
Sure, Pa. Little Joe, give Pa a smoke.
JOE: (to Adam) You dog... (to Ben, giving him
a cigarette and a light) Here, Pa.
(with pride in his voice) Thanks, son.
are heard on the front porch. Everyone looks towards the door
as Granny from 'the Beverly Hillbillies' kicks the door open and enters
carrying a double-barreled shotgun.)
JOE: (somewhat breathlessly) Hi.
Granny! What the heck are you doing here? You don't belong
You're dern tootin' I don't, but I'm here anyway, you flat-hats!
Now wait a minute! My hat ain't flat! It's got a
distinctly rounded shape on top!
JOE: Why you... (Goes for his gun.)
beats him to the draw and levels the shotgun at the Cartwrights.)
All right, you bunch of two-legged cattle; now listen up! I
ain't come here for no shoot-out, I come to set the record straight.
Hear me out and I'll leave and nobody'll get hurt, barring the usual
risk of accidents around the home, increasingly common these days.
starts for the next song. Granny begins solo, with a stanza
telling the Cartwright boys that Ben is not their father, and that
he only adopted the boys during their infancy after their real father
walked out on the family. Following this revelation, Hoss joins
in, singing the musical question to Ben, "Who is our pa, Pa?
Guess it ain't you, naw, naw.")
the third stanza, Ben confesses that he doesn't know because
in fact he was an affluent drifter when he kidnapped them from their
mother. The music draws to an emotional climax, then falls pensive
as the Marlboro Man tells the boys "I'm your real dad, Hoss/
I gave you your first ten-gallon hat/ but I fell for a cute trail
boss/ Sorry 'bout that.")
Little Joe and Adam sing a duet, "Sure glad she ain't here, but who's
our ma?" The song is ended abruptly when Granny fires the shotgun
into the ceiling.)
I came here to talk, not listen. (To the Cartwright boys) Boys,
Ben's a fine but occasionally boring man. You been lucky.
I'm your real Ma. I was young and crazy then. But I gotta
run; let's talk. Stay in touch; you can reach me through my
agent. See ya fellas!
exits. Everyone stands around, digesting this information, both
deeply moved by these developments and relieved that they are no longer
in the presence of an old woman.)
Gee, I wonder if that means that Jed Clampett is my cousin...
(shuddering) Perish the thought!
Boys, I don't know what to say.
JOE: Aw, shucks, Pa. We ain't particular.
That's right, Pa; a little blood tie don't make us no nevermind. (To
Marlboro Man) And no hard feelings to you, Marlboro Man- uh, Dad.
MAN: I ain't worried about none of that tenderfoot crap.
Now back off, you Cartwrights; my boys ain't done eatin' and
That's the spirit! Business as usual!
hubbub of partying resumes.)
Hey look! "Star Trek's" coming on TV.
JOE: (looking towards the TV) Oh yeah, and it's the original!
That's the one I like! (shouts through kitchen door)
Hey Hop-Sing! The good version of 'Star Trek' is coming
on; to hell with shrinks on board the Enterprise!
sticks his head through kitchen door)
(to Little Joe) Hey, you chump! Tonto not dig crap to my
man Hop-Sing...Picard rules!
slams kitchen door. Following a stunned silence, the insult
registers with the Cartwright boys.)
JOE: Fellas, fellas! Tonto's siding with Hop-Sing on this
"Star Trek" thing.
MAN: (to his own men) Whoa-th'-doodie, gents; we got a
workable problem here. Little Joe thinks that the old "Star
Trek" is best.
Huh? (to Little Joe) But Little Joe, I like "Next Generation"
JOE: Why, you big hunk of lard!
WITH POINTED EARS: Well, I like the old Star Trek too!
of Marlboro Man's other men begin chanting "We like Next Generation!"
A general shoving match ensues, escalating into Hoss and Little Joe
socking each other in the jaw. Music starts for a song.
Ben and Marlboro Man sing a lament celebrating "Cigarettes, the land
unplowed/ a good horse and no girls allowed." After their duo,
Tonto and Hop-Sing enter from the kitchen, replacing the former duet
with one of their own announcing the imminent re-arrival of
"Granny with her gun, bang bang/ now accompanied by a gang." (The
song ends and immediately there is a sharp knock at the front door,
along with the sound of many scuffling feet.)
(from outside) Posse! Open up, you geeks...
Fellowship! This oughta be fun...
a group of teenage males of all races, each obviously wearing
modern teen male hairstyles and fashions, streetwise and tough-looking.
The cowboys all stare, dumbfounded. They all gradually acknowledge
each other in silence, while the 'Star Trek' episode plays on TV.)
addresses the youth gang in a brief song. He welcomes
them to the Ponderosa, and to television "all you bright young thugs,"
then tells them that they are about to join their older brothers in
that time-honored of American endeavors, "to decide through fisticuffs/
a knuckle sandwich conflagration/ if it's 'Star Trek' we've
seen enough/ or 'Star Trek Next Generation.'") (The song ends with
a reverential silence, while everyone stands about sniffling and choking
back tears of pride. Suddenly Granny brandishes her shotgun
and admonishes all the guys present.)
I've changed my mind, you clods. I came all the way here from
LAX and I intend to kick some butt on behalf of Captain Picard and
the hunky braniac Data.
(amidst disgruntled mumbling from the men and boys) What
do you mean, Granny- uh, Mom?
(throwing aside her shotgun) I mean it's high noon!
(checking his watch) My clock must be wrong; I've got nine-thirty
No you idiot! Haven't you ever seen that Gary Cooper western?
Now THAT was a real cowboy...What I mean is, Let's Rock and Roll!
men all stand around uncertainly, not understanding Granny's lingo.)
You know. Let's go downtown; tally-ho; kick some butt!
You nitwits! I mean, like, Banzai!
JOE: Oh, Banzai! We got you now...
BANZAI! BANZAI! BANZAI!
(to Ben) Whattya say, Ben?
Little Joe, take Hop-Sing and ride to Honolulu. Tell the Admiral
there that on December seventh the enemy is going to-
(to Ben) I mean, whattya say to me?
(ignoring Granny) Hop-Sing not go to Honolulu; Rittle Joe total
drag on the road.
JOE: For once I agree with Hop-Sing, Pa. Why the heck do
you want us to miss "Star Trek" and go to Honolulu?
Son, it's vitally important that-
(interrupting) Cut the chatter! I'm stoked to get upside
somebody's head, because not one of you male cows has ever heard of
"Deep Space Nine," which makes the earlier "Star Treks"
look like "Clodhopper Trek."
choral song begins as some of the older males, led by Hop-Sing,
register their denial of the newly mentioned TV series by celebration
of their earlier conflict, "It's easy work and blow by blow/ I'll
beat the Kirk out of Little Joe." This zinger is answered
by some others, led by Adam, who exhorts the others to rally behind
"the loyals who've sworn to brush her and mess her/ the feminist
Dr. Crusher, God bless her." As the song ends, Granny clobbers
Little Joe with a saddle, knocking him to the floor. The youth
gang members mill about, obviously bored and ignoring all this.
Little Joe jumps to his feet and squares off with Granny.)
Come on, pimp!
huge, indiscriminate fight erupts. Ben hastily reseats himself
in the wheelchair and punches Marlboro Man in the gut again.)
MAN: Why, Ben, if you weren't wearing them wheels I'd, uh...I'd...
Uh-oh; now Marlboro Man's senile too.
and Hop-Sing bail out of the slugfest, retiring to Ben's bar as Hoss
gains a slight advantage over Little Joe. Marlboro Man joins
Hop-Sing and Tonto at the bar.)
MAN: Hoka-hey, pals! It's a good day to die; right, brothers?
Speak for yourself, bub.
Hey Marlboro Man; let Hop-Sing massage your head with this gin bottle.
leap back into the fray, and soon Granny wades into them like gangbusters.)
It was getting boring over in the peanut gallery.
a vast melee is under way. Hoss flings a mighty left at Taxidermied
Trigger, but misses. Adam slugs himself in the jaw mercilessly.)
JOE: (grabbing Adam's arm) Easy, big fella; he's had enough.
the TV, "Star Trek" is suddenly replaced by an announcement that Pearl
Harbor has just been bombed in World War Two. Granny and Marlboro
Man are grappling on the bar.)
MAN: (looking at the TV) Why is that on the news?
That was over fifty years ago...
advantage of Marlboro Man's distraction, Granny breaks a glass of
rotgut over his head. The drink splashes on his face and knocks
from Marlboro Man's head what turns out to be a kind of mask, carefully
sculpted from a cigarette billboard. Everyone stops fighting and stands
back in disbelief as Marlboro Man is revealed to be none other than
Captain Picard from "Star Trek: The Next Generation.")
No wonder he had such a bad complexion...
PICARD: (to the Cartwrights) Yes, gentlemen, it's true.
I, Captain Picard, hero to some of you and nemesis to others,
am your real father.
Not only that, but Hop-Sing actually Japanese spy using secret info
from Ponderosa to bomb Pearl Harbor fifty years ago.
JOE: (suddenly disoriented) I just wish I could say "Beam
me up," but I can't remember that guy's name.
JOE: Oh, yeah, Scotty. (distracted, mumbling to himself)
Yeah, beam me up Scotty. ScottyScottyScotty...(laughs with
a brutal irony)
scene as before, except that it is later that night.. Only Ben,
Picard, Granny, Tonto and Hop-Sing remain upright, and they are standing
around the bar. Everyone else is unconscious on the floor, scattered
about the room among broken furniture. Peking duck and a bottle
of Rhine wine are being consumed at the bar.)
BEN: (Surveying the scene in the room) I'm telling you!
The things you have to do to get the boys to sleep...
comes from the TV; it is the theme music to "Deep Space Nine.")
HOP-SING: Hop-Sing say "Oh no, not another Star
(All the cowboys and youth gang members sit up and sing the final
song with those at the bar: "Granny was cool with her double-barreled
tool/ and we fit 'n' fought like good boys ought/ but
concerning 'Star Trek'/ what the heck/ there's better
things to find ourselves facin'/ we'd rather watch 'Perry Mason.')
curtain falls as they sing the last chorus: "An out-of-the-ordinary
night/ out on the Ponderosa/ and except for the kids right?/ we weren't
bored, no Suh!")